Voyage

Title: Both Sides, Now
Artist: Joni Mitchell


Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I've looked at clouds from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev'ry fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all


在少年不知愁滋味的年紀初次知道這首歌, 中文譯成”兩面瞧”, 一點都不特別, 連歌都未細看便把它放在一邊, 也沒想到去看看歌者是誰. 偏偏第一次聽到時又是別人唱的, Paul Young duet with Clannad , 雲淡風輕的唱法, 只感受到和諧之美, 那有如教堂詩歌般的編曲, 隱隱帶著聖潔的光輝. 是啊, 事情當看兩面, 事物美好與否關乎當時心情. 從沒想過一個流行歌手為什麼會把這首歌收錄到專輯中.


在電影You’ve got mail中, 繁花如錦的三月紐約上城市集, 飾演連鎖書店老闆的Tom Hanks對童書店剛被迫結束的Meg Ryan說: 「我永遠搞不懂那在歌裡寫些雲啊什麼的人, 她以為她是飛機駕駛員嗎?」 我記得自己會心一笑, 因為心裡知道的歌還是Paul Young版本的雲霧渺渺. 導演又很喜歡藉男性之口來表達他們根本不懂女生心事的一面. (例如在Sleepless in Seattle 中談An Affair to Remember 和帝國大廈) 當時沒想太多 – 怎會想太多?


然後來到電影Love Actually, 當Emma Thompson飾演的角色 (戲中的她是很喜歡Joni Mitchell的), 看到丈夫又買了Joni Mitchell的CD做為聖誕禮物, 而她在無意中發現的那件項鍊禮物, 顯然是送給第三者的囉. 情緒激動, 藉故躲開正在拆禮物的家人, Emma在主臥室裡飲泣, Joni Mitchell暗瘂的聲音響起both side, now. 啊, 那錐心之痛. 環視臥室中夫婦二人生活起居的痕跡, Emma抽噎著, 那種接近無聲的哭泣 – 幾番擦拭整飭後欲待出門, 又難忍回頭啜泣的情景…我每次看都掉淚. 即使不看電影, 光聽Joni Mitchell的歌也經常讓我哽咽.


原來, 並不是事情有兩面, 而是妳發現了另一面.


幾個多時未見的朋友約著喝茶. T突然說她的朋友約她出去, 告訴T他心已另有所屬, 必須分手云云. 「保皇黨」眾人還來不及編派他的不是, 急急問T現下如何? 結果真不知該說可喜還是可悲：年紀大了, 強忍著情緒, 不願在公共場合失態; 還要慶幸因為公事緊急, 得以寄情工作, 不用刻刻想起這件事. 但是J說得好, 就因年紀大了, 也許多一份強求不得的了悟, 但是復原力很差, 不知未來還有幾個噙淚無眠的夜. 在座眾人只我一個是理論派, 世情於我, 絕大部份是書中讀來的認知加想像. 實在不知該說些什麼安慰的話. 直覺想到這首歌, 想到朋友用心之苦, 用情之深, 卻落得事後才被「照會」的背叛. 理智知道感情之事不能設定永遠和絕對, 但不能讓心不淌血流淚.


原來, 並不是事情有兩面, 而是一直有殘酷的一面, 只是都要後來才會發現.