Voyage

I don't know how to love him
What to do, how to move him
I've been changed, yes, really changed
In these past few days when I've seen myself
I seem like someone else

I don't know how to take this
I don't see why he moves me
He's a man, he's just a man
And I've had so many men before
in very many ways
He's just one more

Should I bring him down
Should I scream and shout
Should I speak of love
Let my feelings out
I never thought I'd come to this
What's it all about ?

Don't you think it's rather funny
I should be in this position ?
I'm the one who's always been
so calm, so cool, no lover's fool
running every show
He scares me so

Yet, if he said he loved me
I'd be lost, I'd be frightened
I couldn't cope, just couldn't cope
I'd turn my head I'd back away I
wouldn't want to know
He scares me so
I want him so.
I love him so.

*** *** ***
今天天氣回暖, 薄薄的日光透過雲層, 灑在他顏色極淡的頭髮上. 穿過公園小徑的他, 步履除了原有的從容, 好似又多了一分輕鬆. 可能是脫下了穿了幾乎整個冬季的外套的緣故吧. 那件外套正掛在他的左臂, 手上還有一杯咖啡. 袖口解開捲起, 如果不是公事包還是沉甸甸的, 他的樣子倒像要出外踏青.

在十字路口時他抬頭看了一下燈號, 決定先走他其實不常走的方向. 咖啡依然在手, 神態依然從容. 又是一個遇到他而開始的一天, 春陽的溫暖似乎從身上流淌到心裡.

*** *** ***

這家日本料理店其實只賣丼, 座頭雖多卻常人滿為患. 在牆上的裝飾鏡裡看到正和朋友落座的他的身影, 眼神似乎不經意地掃向這邊 – 或許是眼角微光想像中的誤判. 他和朋友低聲討論著什麼, 在吵雜的餐室裡, 他翕動鼻息所驚擾的空氣, 讓人想要擁有一部解碼機. 午餐後, 接踵而來的工作一點都不覺得有壓力.


*** *** ***
公車上擠滿晚歸的學生, 無視於自己的大書包/大提袋/大外套, 用力地擠過已在車上的人群, 踩到正專心看著窗外的人. 才一抬頭, 他站在那裡. 公事包照舊習慣性地放在腳邊, 鞋跟有些磨損了, 外套的口袋別著一支筆. 學生們嗡嗡的談話聲似乎一時間被消音. 就在正前方啊, 正前方. 眼光到底應該放在那裡? 只好再專心看著窗外 – 窗上, 他的倒影.

*** *** ***
正蹲在書局一隅, 起身時忽然和他隔著矮矮的書架對望. 脈搏加速, 驚異莫名. 膽小如鼠似地垂下眼簾, 假裝找到一本想讀的書. 雖然是假日而不是日常的行進動線, 卻不意他也會在此地出現. 定神之後輕輕轉頭, 他踩著一貫的安詳步履, 踱到雜誌區去了. 到結帳前都未再見.
*** *** ***
走過小巷時忽見他走來. 這樣短短窄窄的巷弄, 一前一後走都像並肩. 跫音是否驚擾了微啟的窗扉? 心跳的敲擊聲, 有沒有在錯身的剎那傳到他耳邊? 既然眼神沒有交會, 沒有電波流竄, 手臂上細細的汗毛為何都像引領企望? 為何都朝著他走的方向?

*** *** ***
想像力經不得餵養. 即便他在下車前常移到左近的位子, 大概也是出於習慣; 如果他曾駐足或放慢腳步, 必定還有重要的事在他心上. 日復一日地, 自己幽微的想望只能淡淡發著光.